Daniel Kirk Chowhounds


I Dreamed They Made Candy a Vegetable I dreamed they made candy a vegetable, and each kid got twelve servings a day. In my dream, when my mom heard the news, she took everything green in the kitchen, and threw it away. She brought me a huge bowl of M&M's, on a lollipop big as a plate, with a gallon of Pepsi to wash it all down– the best breakfast that I ever dreamed that I ate! Oh yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, There is nothing so scrumptiously edible, Oh yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, I dreamed they made candy a vegetable. We threw out the fridge, and bought candy machines, like the ones you see at the grocery store. Whenever I wanted, I just turned the crank, I didn't have to beg mom for treats any more! With my hot dog for lunch, I ate Tootsie Rolls. I had Kit Kats and Tic Tacs for snacks. No more carrots and broccoli, they weren't as good for me as caramels and Snickers Bars in gigantic stacks. Oh yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, There is nothing so scrumptiously edible, Oh yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, I dreamed they made candy a vegetable. After lunch I went out in the back yard to play, and I couldn't believe my own eyes. Mom's roses had turned into marzipan, and the walkway was lined with fresh marshmallow pies! Good and Plenty's grew out of the garden, Cotton candy hung from Twizzler trees. Where once there was grass, grew a field of Pez, and I waded in, right up to my knees! Oh yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, There is nothing so scrumptiously edible, Oh yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, I dreamed they made candy a vegetable. I waddled right up to a peanut brittle bridge, across a river of chocolate sauce. But after devouring so much candy, I'd become far too heavy to cross. *Snap!* went the bridge, and I plummeted down; I was drowning in chocolate, oh no! But then I remembered it was only a dream, and I thought to myself, not a bad way to go! Oh yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, endless candy for me and for you, Oh yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, how I wish that my dream would come true! how I wish that my dream would come true! My Red Rubber Ball It's six in the morning. I'm waiting to play. Here is my ball, master, what do you say? It's wet and it's sticky, and ready to throw. I've chewed it for hours. How soon can we go? There's no time for coffee. There's no time to eat. A nice game of catch in the yard would be sweet! Throw the ball hard, master, throw the ball high! Wind up your pitch, go on, let it fly! Oh, how I love my red rubber ball. Yeah, I really love my red rubber ball. I streak through the grass like I'm racing a jet. No animal's faster than I am, I'll bet! I leap to the sky like a hawk, and I swear I'll snatch that old ball as it speeds through the air. I rush to your side with a leap and a bound. I lie on the grass with my nose on the ground. I stare at you sideways; you look back at me. The ball's in my mouth, which is where it should be. Oh, how I love my red rubber ball. Yeah, I really love my red rubber ball. I don't want to tease you; I'm not being coy, but something won't let me let go of my toy. You say, "Put it down, Rover, drop it!" you shout. You pull and you tug, but the ball won't come out. You beg and you bargain, you rave and you rant. I'd give it to you, but Master, I can't! My jaws are clenched tight and they won't let it go. Oh, how I love my red rubber ball. Yeah, I really love my red rubber ball. I'm not Getting in That Tub I'm a normal nine-year-old. All day I like to play. A kid knows how to get a little dirt on him that way! It's true, my clothes are filthy when it's time to go to bed. There's black stuff underneath my nails and brown stuff on my head! I don't need no soap and scrubbin', I don't want no rub a dub. You can nag me all you want to, I'm not getting' in that tub! I may stink like a baby skunk, or some ole' grizzly cub. Don't come any closer, I'm not getting' in that tub! You say my feet smell awful, but I think that I smell good, like worms and mud and tuna fish and smoky firewood. My skin is streaked like camouflage; I wear my dirt with pride. When you say it is bath time, that's the time I run and hide. (Chorus) You can keep your soap and bubble bath. You can have your old shampoo. I like sticky, sweaty skin all caked with crud and goo. I like boogers in my nose, and dirty underwear. I had a bath two weeks ago, and mom, it isn't fair! (Chorus) The Cat Came Back Traditional, based on a version by Harry S. Miller Old Mister Johnson had troubles of his own He had a yellow cat which wouldn't leave its home; He tried and he tried to give the cat away, He gave it to a man goin' far, far away. But the cat came back the very next day, The cat came back, we thought he was a goner But the cat came back; it just couldn't stay away. The man around the corner swore he'd kill the cat on sight, He loaded up his shotgun with nails and dynamite; He waited and he waited for the cat to come around, Ninety seven pieces of the man is all they found. But the cat came back the very next day, The cat came back, we thought he was a goner But the cat came back; it just couldn't stay away. He gave it to a little boy with a dollar note, Told him for to take it up the river in a boat; They tied a rope around its neck, it must have weighed a pound Now they drag the river for a little boy that's drowned. But the cat came back the very next day, The cat came back, we thought he was a goner But the cat came back; it just couldn't stay away. He gave it to a man going up in a balloon, He told him for to take it to the man in the moon; The balloon came down about ninety miles away, Where he is now, well I dare not say. But the cat came back the very next day, The cat came back, we thought he was a goner But the cat came back; it just couldn't stay away. He gave it to a man going way out West, Told him for to take it to the one he loved the best; First the train hit the curve, then it jumped the rail, Not a soul was left behind to tell the gruesome tale. But the cat came back the very next day, The cat came back, we thought he was a goner But the cat came back; it just couldn't stay away. At last they found a way for this cat to really fix, They trapped it in an orange crate down on highway 66. Come a ten ton truck with a twenty ton load, Scattered pieces of that crate a mile down the road. But the cat came back the very next day, The cat came back, we thought he was a goner But the cat came back; it just couldn't stay away. Funky Skunk Well he rides into town on the southbound train, but the smell that he brings makes people complain. He steps out on the street, all pride and spunk, look out, everybody, here come Funky Skunk! He wears a checkered suit and a porkpie hat. He's a black and white dandy and a cool polecat! Still he stinks like the dickens in his fancy clothes; listen to me kiddies–time to hold your nose! P U, P U 2U2 Funky Skunk is comin' through. Don't know what he's going to do, so you'd better run away. Yeah, you'd better run away! P U, P U 2U2 Funky Skunk is passin' through. Don't have a clue what the skunk's gonna do, so you'd better run away. Yeah, you'd better run away! Well, Funky Skunks duds are the latest fad. He looks mighty good, but he smells awful bad, He slinks into town, every week or two, and heads for the shops on Fashion Avenue. Strutting down the street he makes his way, past the park where all the little children like to play. "Looking' good, Mr. Skunk," the kids all shout. 'cause if you get on his bad side, you better watch out! P U, P U 2U2 Funky Skunk is comin' through. Don't know what he's going to do, so you'd better run away. Yeah, you'd better run away! P U, P U 2U2 Funky Skunk is passin' through. Don't have a clue what the skunk's gonna do, so you'd better run away. Yeah, you'd better run away! Funky skunk is vain, funky skunk is proud, And the odor he makes can cut through a crowd. Pay him a compliment, don't be rude; I pity the fool who insults that dude. Don't you say the wrong thing, 'cause before you can blink, he'll lift up his tail and he'll let out a stink. Don't remark on his odor; don't scrunch up your face. Just hold your breath, and get out of that place! P U, P U 2U2 Funky Skunk is comin' through. Don't know what he's going to do, so you'd better run away. Yeah, you'd better run away! P U, P U 2U2 Funky Skunk is passin' through. Don't have a clue what the skunk's gonna do, so you'd better run away. Yeah, you'd better run away! If you pass that skunk on the avenue, just say "Good day, sir, how do you do?" You better smile and nod and act polite, if ever that dandy comes in sight. Every flower's got petals; every tree has a trunk. Everything smells, but not like Funky Skunk! A skunk is a skunk; no, he isn't a rose. So run away, kids, and hold your nose! P U, P U 2U2 Funky Skunk is comin' through. Don't know what he's going to do, so you'd better run away. Yeah, you'd better run away! P U, P U 2U2 Funky Skunk is passin' through. Don't have a clue what the skunk's gonna do, so you'd better run away. Yeah, you'd better run away! There's a groovy new clothes store, across the street, Funky Skunk decides to buy himself a treat. As he steps into the road, everybody starts to shout, Look out! Look out! Look out! Look out! Look out! But he doesn't see the school bus until it's too late. What happens then, is too sad to relate. Better hold your nose, kid, 'cause I'm tellin' you true, that's the end of the story, and everybody goes "OOOuuu!" P U, P U 2U2 Funky Skunk is comin' through. Don't know what he's going to do, so you'd better run away. Yeah, you'd better run away! P U, P U 2U2 Funky Skunk is passin' through. Don't have a clue what the skunk's gonna do, so you'd better run away. Yeah, you'd better run away! Mama, I'm Sick Mama, I don't wanna go to school. I don't feel very good this morning. Mama, please don't make me go to school. There's a sniffle in my nose, and I'm chilled to my toes, And my tummy feels heavy as a brick Mama, I'm sick! Mama, I don't wanna go to school, and it isn't'cause it's Monday morning. Mama, please don't make me go to school. 'cause I think I've got the flu, and my lips are sorta blue, and my heart feels like it's beating kind of quick. Mama, I'm sick! Mama, since I don't feel very well, I didn't finish all of last night's homework. Mama, please don't make me go to school 'cause my eyes are red and sore, they don't focus any more, and my tongue feels a little hot and thick. Mama, I'm sick. Mama, I don't feel very good. I guess I'll miss my spelling test this morning. Mama, I don't wanna go to school, 'cause my chin is all aquiver, I got twinges in my liver and my teeth chatter, click, clack click. Mama, I'm sick. Mama, since I'm too sick to go to school, I won't have to show my science project. Mama, too bad I don't feel good, 'cause I'm shaking like a rattle, and my guts are in a battle. Better get me to the bathroom, quick! Mama, I'm sick. Mama, I feel really, really bad, By the way, I think my teacher hates me. Mama, I can't really go to school, I got a pain in my spleen, and my skin is turning green, and it's true, I'm not playing a trick! Mama, I'm sick. Mama, won't you let me stay in bed. I'm too sick to go to school this morning. What? You say there isn't any school? 'cause today's a holiday. Wow! I think I'll go and play. 'cause I'm starting now to feel like I should. Mama, I feel good! Ah! It's the start of a beautiful day! No Pet, No Daddy Sneeze All of my friends have pets that they can cuddle-- puppies, kittens, bunnies, and guinea pigs galore. But my daddy, he says that he is quite allergic, and so I've got no pet, and life's an awful bore. No pet, no daddy sneeze. I'd sure love to snuggle with a pet that's warm and fuzzy, a pet I could pamper, with a darling little name, like Snowball, Spot, or Fluffy, but my daddy, he's allergic to anything furry; and oh, it's such a shame! No pet, no daddy sneeze. Then give me a gecko, a hermit crab or cricket, some cold-blooded critter–I guess that would be OK. I'd take a tarantula, or a big boa constrictor, but when I ask momma, she just shouts "NO WAY!" No pet, no daddy sneeze. Ice Cream Truck Ding a ling, ding ding ding a ling we will dance, and we will sing. It's five o'clock, and we're in luck, I hear the chime of the ice cream truck. Ding a ling, ding ding ding a ling, Here he comes, the Ice Cream King! The pennies in my piggy bank are stuck, Mom, I need some money for the ice cream truck! Ice cream truck, so clean and white, we want to spoil our appetite. We love your bells, and your plastic cow, but we want our ice cream, and we want it now! Ding a ling, ding ding ding a ling, I want that chocolate rocket thing! When I smell supper, I say YUCH! Can't I have some money for the ice cream truck? Ding a ling, ding ding ding a ling, I'd like one of everything. It's suppertime, but I don't care, the ice cream truck is right out there! Ice cream truck, we jump for joy, every girl and every boy. although I'd wait in line all day, I want my ice cream right away! Ding a ling, ding ding ding a ling, we will dance, and we will sing. It's suppertime, but I don't care. The ice cream truck is right out there! It's right out there, it's right out there! I wish I was a millionaire. I'd be the kid with all the luck, and buy myself that ice cream truck! Henrietta Henrietta, you'd look swell in this red wooly sweater. Henrietta, you're as pretty as can be. I am not a bettor, but I'll bet two dollars, Henrietta, you won't find another owner half as good as me. I've got a steady job down at the feedlot on the highway, and I'm saving up my pay to buy a truck. Soon I'll leave the rooming house to find my own apartment, and you'll be at my side, with any luck. Henrietta, heaven knows that I am no jet setter. Henrietta, I'm as steady as a stone. My cheeks are getting redder as I say these words, oh Henrietta, It's plain to see that you and me weren't meant to live alone. I've seen you through the plate glass window in that pet shop way down town. Where you and all the others run and play. Someday I'll walk inside that shop, and I will put my money down, if I can just save up the cash one day. Henrietta, I know you can't read my sweet love letter, so I guess it's better if I tell you face to face. If you want a full-time petter, look my way, oh Henrietta. I will always bring you hugs and kisses by the case. I love you for your button nose, and for your sweet lopsided smile, I love the way your shaggy hair is curled. I love the way you wag your tail, and bat your big brown eyes at me. When you're my pet, I'm going to tell the world. Henrietta, once I met ya, I just can't forget ya, Henrietta, you're a real live canine queen. You're an Irish Setter, and I truly love ya, Henrietta; You're the finest dog that anybody's ever seen, You're the finest dog that anybody's ever seen. Never Say No to a Newt Never say no to a newt, if he shows up in your bedroom and he wants to take a nap in your boot. He's a little bit green, and he's inclined to be mean-- the most temperamental lizard anybody's ever seen; so never say no to a newt. Don't turn your back on a bat if he shows up at your door in a shiny new cowboy hat. He's rough and he's tough when he gets in a huff; he's as small as a mouse, but that's big enough! So don't turn your back on a bat. If everybody were to heed my advice, this old world of ours would be pretty nice. Now don't you ever doubt I'm tellin' you true, and the very next time that you go to the zoo, Never tell a lie to a lion. In a second he can see all your secrets, there's no denyin'! He's sharp in the tooth and a fan of the truth, he's a feline detective, he's a fur covered sleuth So never tell a lie to a lion. Don't pick a fight with a ferret. If you've got a peanut butter sandwich, then you'd better share it! She's got a big appetite and she's been known to bite, you'll never win an argument, try as you might, so don't pick a fight with a ferret. Now don't be scared, it's just a word to the wise; I'm only tryin' to save you an unpleasant surprise. Here's a little more advice that I'd like to give. If you wanna be smart, then be positive! Always be a friend to a fox. If he leaves his room messy, go on, and pick up his socks. If you show a little kindness to a fox, I'd say you're guaranteed that he'll return the favor one day, so always be a friend to a fox. Go on and share your soup with a sloth. Who cares if he spills just a little on your tablecloth? It'll be a couple hours before he's through, but when he's finished he'll be sure to share his candy with you So go on, and share your soup with a sloth. If everybody were to heed my advice, this old world of ours would be pretty nice. Now don't you ever doubt I'm tellin' you true, and the very next time that you go to the zoo, You gotta give a gift to a goat. When you visit always bring along a little toy car or a boat. You can play with him all day on a bed of straw, When he's happy he will shake his horns and holler BAAAAA! So remember, give a gift to a goat. Always save a kiss for a cat. If you let her know you love her it'll make her kitty heart pitapat. Give that little pussy cat a hug and a squeeze, she'll say "MEOW, I'd like some more of that please!" So always save a kiss for a cat. Always save a kiss for a You gotta give a gift to a Go on and share your soup with a Always be a friend to a Don't pick a fight with a Never tell a lie to a Don't turn your back on a Never say no to a newt. No, Don't you ever say no to a newt. I Love to Eat I was sitting in my classroom, the hands on the wall clock crawled around. The teacher rambled on and on, and my belly made a rumbling sound. It was only 9 in the morning, but I felt as hungry as a bear. I looked over at my teacher's desk, saw a juicy apple sittin' there! I grabbed the fruit. The teacher yelled, "Young man, what's wrong with you?" And this is what I said to her, as I began to chew. I love to eat, ma'am, lunch time, munch time, what a treat, ma'am. Make mine greasy, salty, sweet ma'am, Kitchen's callin' move your feet ma'am, Open wide, bon appetite, ma'am, I love to eat, yeah, I love to eat. I love Macaroni, pepperoni, rigatoni and baloney Fluffer nutter, peanut butter, orange peel, oatmeal, Cantaloupe, artichoke, corn chips, potato chips, Onion dip, chicken strips, spicy salsa, kielbasa, Chocolate shake, beef steak, birthday cake, Beans to bake, corn flakes, cupcake, Gonna get a bellyache! I love to eat, ma'am, lunch time, munch time, what a treat, ma'am. Make mine greasy, salty, sweet ma'am, Kitchen's callin' move your feet ma'am, Open wide, bon appetite, ma'am, I love to eat, yeah, I love to eat. I love Ice cream, jelly beans, fava beans, mustard greens, Fish sticks, pretzel stix, party mix, bowl of Kix, String cheese, snap peas, iced teas, frosty freeze, Pineapple, red apple, green apple, bottle of Snapple, Hot dog, chili dog, egg nog, I'm a hog, Buttered bagel, cauliflower, eating, eating, every hour. I love to eat, ma'am, lunch time, munch time, what a treat, ma'am. Make mine greasy, salty, sweet ma'am, Kitchen's callin' move your feet ma'am, Open wide, bon appetite, ma'am, I love to eat, yeah, I love to eat. I love Hamburger, cheeseburger, french fries, apple pies, Blackberries, blueberries, strawberries, sour cherries, Fritos, burritos, cheerios, doritos, Chow mein, chop suey, slice of pizza nice and gooey, Popsicle, sour pickle, mashed potato, sliced tomato, Watermelon, muskmelon, anything the grocer's sellin'. I love to eat, ma'am, lunch time, munch time, what a treat, ma'am. Make mine greasy, salty, sweet ma'am, Kitchen's callin' move your feet ma'am, Open wide, bon appetite, ma'am, I love to eat, yeah, I love to eat. I love Meatloaf, sloppy joe, chocolate chip cookie dough, Italian ice, spanish rice, french crepes, concord grapes, Ring dings, chicken wings, cavetelli, grape jelly, From the deli in my belly, lemonade, minute maid, Tater tots, garlic knots, raisin bran, soup in a can, Egg rolls, donut holes, avacodo, here's my motto. I love to eat, ma'am, lunch time, munch time, what a treat, ma'am. Make mine greasy, salty, sweet ma'am, Kitchen's callin' move your feet ma'am, Open wide, bon appetite, ma'am, I love to eat, yeah, I love to eat.